Don’t Make This Common First-Date Mistake

Ever found yourself slipping into the therapist role with a guy when what you really want is to create deep attraction with him?

In this video, I show you how to escape the “therapist trap” with a guy so that you can keep building the attraction and tension that leads to a second date.



Speaker 1:

Okay. So a little bit of background. I am a psychologist, I am finishing up my PhD. I have had such a hard time in relationships. I feel like I know the theories, I’ve read a lot, but I just really struggle, and it’s just-

Matthew:

Which part do you feel you struggle with in particular?

Speaker 1:

It’s really hard for me to feel close to men, and I feel like I also draw people who share too much initially, and then I get really overwhelmed by them romantically.

Matthew:

Why do you think you draw people like that?

Speaker 1:

I think I’m open and I think people are like, “Oh, I can tell you anything. I just feel like I can share so much.”

Matthew:

Right.

Speaker 1:

And I don’t know how to… So that also brings people who are really problematic or who have a lot of trauma, and I’m here because I’m just like, what can I do to change that, and to-

Matthew:

Tell me a little more about the being… Because it’s an interesting contrast, right? You’re saying that “people, they come forward and they suffocate me with information and oversharing,” but you said you find it hard to get close to men. What did you mean when you said that, or did you just mean that your reaction to the oversharing is to pull back?

Speaker 1:

It’s to pull back, but also to connect, to really build on relationships, to not whenever I see something wrong, I immediately leave. I don’t like to work through things.

Matthew:

I see.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Speaker 2:

Can I just say I have the same problem.

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Speaker 2:

I was going to mention it, because I’m a behavior analyst and I just had a date the other day, and the guy just told me his whole life story and I was like, “I know I’m a good listener,” but [inaudible 00:01:53], and then I’m like, “No,” because I’m analyzing everything, I’m like, “No, why? It’s too much, too soon.” And then, I don’t know, just like you, I was like, “Oh my God, am I the only one?” I guess I’m not.

Speaker 1:

No.

Speaker 2:

It’s like torture. It’s like, “No, I don’t want to fix you. Stop,” and it’s always the needy guys, and I’m like…

Speaker 1:

It really is.

Speaker 2:

Yeah.

Speaker 1:

And I feel like almost now that I’m finishing my PhD, that that almost makes men more intimidated and they’re like, “You’re a psychologist, or you do this kind of work?” Absolutely, I can’t handle it.

Speaker 2:

I was like, because I used to be a hairstylist, so I’m like, “Should I just say I’m a hairstylist? I’m not analyzing your every move.” I don’t even know what to say anymore.

Matthew:

When people are intimidating, they’re usually not connecting. When we’re sitting with someone and we’re curious about them, and when we’re impressed by them, the being intimidating part tends to dissolve because someone feels like, “Oh wow, this person thinks I’m I’m impressive,” or “They think I’m interesting,” or “They think there’s something about me.” And it also, man or woman, I’m not talking about women here, man or woman it’s important, I believe to… We tend to lead with the weapon we’re most comfortable wielding, right? We all have our weapon of choice. Think for a moment, everyone in this room, what your favorite weapon, the sword you feel best swinging is, right? Everyone’s got it. For some women, it’s like being ultra sexy. That’s the sword they wield, and then that person comes to me and says, “Men only see me in one way,” and we unpack often the fact that this weapon they’re wielding, is A) attracting a certain kind of person, and B) actually stopping people from seeing what else is there.

When people are intellectual, or they’ve been to an amazing college, then that tends to be the weapon that they’re most comfortable wielding. So they often walk into situations armed up as the intellect. My suspicion is that you’re using the weapon that’s comfortable to you, which may be deep conversation.

Speaker 1:

Yes.

Matthew:

And then when they meet you there and say, “Okay, deep conversation mode,” you keep asking questions, because you go, “Well, at least we’re talking, I guess we’re talking. I guess we’re connecting. So another question, another question, another question,” and then at the end of it, you go, “Why are they telling me so much information?”

Speaker 1:

Yeah.

Matthew:

But it’s because, it’s not all your fault, it’s just that you’re comfortable letting it unfold that way, and what I need you to do is take a risk to lead it a different way. And in dating, there always has to be a first mover of some kind, right? There always has to be someone who just takes the little step in that direction. It’s that first time you’re around someone you thought was a friend and they tell you, “You look good,” in a way that a friend doesn’t, and they just reached out a little bit, and then when you take a step forward, you’re doing the same, and they get validated and they go, “That was nice. That worked. Okay, I’ll do a little bit more.”

I have finished entire dates where I had no idea the woman I was on a date with actually found me sexually attractive. No idea. I knew she thought I was a decent human being, I knew that, but that’s not what makes us call each other, is it? We don’t go home to our friends and go, “I’m so excited to see this person again. They are such a decent human being.” What gets us to call, man or woman, is when we have that beautiful combination of connection and chemistry. We’ll even call if there’s just chemistry. We’ll fuck up our lives on just chemistry, but we won’t do it if there’s just connection. It doesn’t work the other way around. Most of us won’t do it on just connection. It doesn’t give us that fuel that makes us want to pick up the phone, “Oh, I got to call this person. I got to call them.” It doesn’t make us do that.

I’ve finished entire dates where I didn’t know if someone found me hot. Not found me attractive, that’s different. Attractive isn’t even quite it. Hot. And then I wake up the next day and I say, “Well, that was really nice. We had good conversation, but I don’t know,” it didn’t make me want to pick up the phone, and the reason I went on the date is because I thought they were really attractive. I went because I thought they were attractive, but I didn’t finish with any electricity, so there was nothing charging the next stage. And then a day later, I get a text, “Last night was really fun. I’d love to see you again,” and I’m like, “What?” I’ve had that experience where you go, “Were we on the same date? How do you feel? So you like me?”

Someone shouldn’t be surprised to hear you like them. That shouldn’t come as a piece of revelation. “Oh my God, she actually likes me,” and I’m not saying you have to spend a date doting over someone, that would be bad too. But just a moment, a glimmer where someone realizes, “Oh, we’re not friends, and we’re not going to be friends.” That’s sexy when you feel that. “Uh-oh. Okay, I get it. We’re not friends. Okay, now let’s keep talking.” Now you keep talking about all the other cool stuff, but there’s a subtext. The problem is when you’re on a date, and you’re talking about all of that stuff but there’s no subtext, now you’re just in conversation.

So biggest advice for you, for anyone, for all of us, “What’s the weapon I am most comfortable wielding, and how is that weapon hurting me? How is it hurting me? What new weapon do I want to start sharpening and bringing out, even slowly, in small ways?” But I promise you, you just brandish a different weapon for a moment, and you’ll start getting different reactions, and the reactions may sometimes be what you want, they may not, but the different reaction will give you hope because you’ll be like, “Oh, this is great, because it’s not the groove I was in. It shows I can have an effect on the environment, I can have an effect on the situation. I’m not just a passenger on a date. I am someone who can actually lead the dance, even if it doesn’t look like I’m doing anything at all.” Thank you. Great question.

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Matthew:

Before you swan off into your life today, doing whatever it is you do, and you don’t live here with me, I have something you might be interested in. Did you know that I have a club, a group of people that every month I work with, not just on their love lives, but on their love for life, on their relationship with themselves, on their relationship with life itself? It is like a gym for your psychology, your emotions, and your confidence, and it goes way deeper than we can here in a five or 10-minute video, and I get the chance to live coach people, to answer questions, to do live demonstrations. If you haven’t tried it yet, there’s a 14-day free trial so that you can join risk-free, and decide after a couple of sessions if you want to continue. So come and join, go to AskMH.com, and I will see you over there.

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